Fall leaves.

Leaves die.

Winter sets in.

I am leaving someone.

He will die inside.

He will feel cold inside.

Funny how seasons effect our lives. We see fall as the start of winter, the bright colors, crisp cold air. Yet fall is the begining of death. The leaves start to die. The grass goes dorminate. Flowers also die. And as winter sets in, it gets colder, and the sky turns bleak. It is gray outside all the time. Which causes people to get depressed.

ahhhh,, depression,, my little friend. Depression stays with you.. it is a fight between that grayness of winter and the mental depiction of what we see as being gray. Does this make sense? no? Depression only sees one color. Gray. Winter is one color gray. They are interwoven.

Winter, higher depression rates, higher suicide rates. Coincidence? No. It is the season of death.

We fight depression hoping spring and new life will come soon. But it doesn't. Season of death takes its time so it can take its toll.

Finally when Spring does arrive we are ready for it. We celebrate life. We celebrate with flowers and trees with new green leaves. Only to start the cycle again in a few months.

Dr. House - isms

I would rather be near the birds since I do not have the wings to fly.

This was said by a person, I can't remember her name in the show so we will call her Jane, who at the time found out she was dying. Jane spent her life following around a woman who was a feminist and had a lot of drive and pushed her way to the top. Jane did not strive for the top, she was more comfortable just fitting in and following. She knew her limits.

Today, there are many people who don't know there limits. I am one of them. I have never really pushed my limits. Some thing I have and something I have not. Right now I am happy with who I am. But that one sentence made me think. Am I happy?

In the end, Jane was told she was not dying. She went back to her old job were she was comfortable. She was happy. She was with her bird.

How many of us are with our bird?
Are we comfortable?
Are we happy?

Are we like a humming bird that attaches ourselves to geese and follow them to warmer climates or are we like eagles or hawks that sore to new heights and new goals?

What do we really want out of our lives?
What have we accomplish?
What goals do we have?
Are they realistic?

I challenge your thoughts.
Let me know what you think.

Life goes on

Well life goes on in my own little world. Several things have happen to make my life a little better. My out look has changed and I am a little more cheery now.

I have made new friends and that in its self is wonderful. I want to mention here Jenny. She is a wonderful addition to my life. I feel I can tell her anything. I trust her. She seems to have a big heart. She does not seem to be one of those women who play the stupid women games that most of the women of the world play thank god. She is down to earth. Who knows, we may become life long friends.

Still having horse problems. Still trying to diet. Still hate my hair.

Thinking about bankruptcy.

Thinking that sex might be nice some day.

My brother has been making beer. That has been really nice.
Love my beer.

Screwed up at work yesterday. I will tell you about that later in the week. I am waiting to see what come of that.

Signing out for the day.

OH the life of a mom

So my daughter wrote to me this morning. Here is what she had to say :

good morning. I am soooo tired. I am soooo tired every morning. Usually Daughter wakes up for a bottle at about 530 or 6 and then son wakes up at 7. So I only get about 6 hours of sleep in odd blocks.

Yesterday morning I woke son up at 630 hoping that he would go down for nap around 1130 or 12. I was so tired, I fell right to sleep at 1130 after putting him and daughter down for a nap. Daughter woke up at 130 for a bottle, I figured I would sneak down and make one without waking son up so I could lay back down. When I walked out of my room, I found his bedroom door open and him not in there. I went down stairs and he was not in the living room, I walked into the kitchen and the back door was open, I started to get that panicky feeling, I walked to the door and looked out. He was sitting at the bottom of the deck stairs with a pair of scissors sitting next to him. He used the scissors to cut open a bag of white chocolate chips. He was eating the chocolate chips and sharing with bo and gigi. I watched him for a minute. I couldnt decide if I should take a picture, or beat his butt. It was pretty cute. So I made him go to his room, he was grounded for the rest of the day.

Last week I was napping and he invited the neighbor and her daughter over while I was sleeping. He let them into the house, I woke up cause I could hear the neighbor talking in the living room.

Then the other morning he came into the bedroom and was in there for a few minutes, he said he was hungry, I told him to go get some cereal. He came back with a bowl of potato chips!

Last night we went to home depot and got some locks to put on the tops of the doors to keep him from going outside. He is totally taking advantage of the new baby situation. HE was standing at the top of the stairs one day and I told him to do something or he would get a spanking. He said, no you wont, you are holding sister.What a turd. I am so tired and he is loving it.

All I could do was say, welcome to motherhood. Now you know how I felt raising 3 kids by myself. I think she has a little more sympathy for me. I don't think she realized how hard it is to raise kids. I look at the world to day and I am glad my kids are grown.

I could not image raising kids in these time. But you know what, my parents probably said the same thing about me and my kids.

I just hope that my grown kids will teach good values and respect. These are things that most kids lack today.

My granddaughter

Well here she is, Little Ava. She is such a cutie. She has been very quiet and sweet so far. Mom is doing well.

This is right after a midnight feeding. This makes midnight feedings worth getting up for.

My daughter is a photographer and was very lucky to get this shot.

Ava was born September 29th. She is 8 lbs 2 oz, 22 inches long. She currently has jet black hair and lots of it. She looks a lot like her brother.

I am trying to re-adjust my hours. I was up at 3 am and baking cookies because I was bored.

Tonight I will be dead to the world.

My life as a Grandmother

You know life as a Grandma is just as stressfull as a parents life. We worry just as much about our grandchildren as we do about our children.

Are they safe, are they with the right parent?
Are they being treated right?
Do they enjoy the sports they are in?
Are they being pressured into sports they don't want to play?
Are they playing sports?
Do they get enough time to be kids?
Or do they have so many chores and so much school work they can't be kids?

So even though they are not our kids we still worry about them.

But at the end of they day when the grandkids go home, yes, we say they are the parents responsibility but it is hard to just say goodbye and not worry about them.

We have a newborn in the in the family. She is my first granddaughter. She is so beautiful. She has a head full of jet black hair. The indian side of the family has come out in her. I think it will fade with time, like it has will all my kids.

She has a temper just like mom. Its funny to watch the cute facial expressions on her. Everything from frowns to smiles to pouts.

She smells like a newborn, which is hard to describe.

I have been with her for the last 4 days now. It is time for me to go home. Though I am relieved to go home, I will miss the little coot.

My daughter will have to fend for herself. I know she would like me to stay a little longer. I just can't. I have bills to pay and a job to return to.

So today I head for home. Tired. remembering what it was like when I was producing off spring.
Do I miss those days??? of course I do,, would I go back???? HELL NO.

I like not having to be responsible for kids any more, even though I am. I still slip them money when my husband is not looking. We have seperate accounts so he does not know. But let me tell you, this needs to stop now. I can't do this any more.

Besides,,, it is time for me to spoil my grandkids. All four of them.