Please don't beg

Ok, look,, I understand at relationships are great. I also understand to that there are people out there that can't live without someone in their lives. I call them the "people that need people".

I don't think I am one of them.

I went to dinner with my soon to be ex-husband. I know this is weird but I felt that there were things that needed to be dealt with. It was his idea and I went along with it. I felt a restaurant was a safe place to meet. Hubby would not create a scene out in public. It is not in his character to bring attention to himself. This is a good thing to know.

So, dinner was good, other than it was hot out and the air conditioner was not working really well in the restaurant. I was sweating while eating. Not a pretty sight. When suddenly out of no where he hits me with it.. I was not prepared.

"I think we can resolve our differences." What????? Where the hell did that come from??? I did not see that one comimg. He said that we were meant to be together and that we should not let "petty" things tear us apart.

So in my brain,, I am thinking ,,, petty??? What is "petty" in this situation? Ok, my kids grown and gone yet still a very big part of my life,,, they are petty??? Because that is what blew this relationship apart. So I "mentally" dug deeper.

Is it that ,,, hmmm,,, hubby does not get along with my kids.. could be.. or is it that he is delusional about the situation and thinking that he gets along with them fine. ,,, yes,, that is a big one. My kids come to me to complain about him all the time. He just does not see it nor does he hear it because they come to me.

He brags about the fact that his kids moved out at 18 and never moved back in. Ok,,, good for him. Come to think about it, they don't call him much either. They seem to forget his birthday, fathers day, easter, oh yeah,,, and Christmas. They are "too busy" to call.

My kids aren't they call me everyday. Ok yes, they may be in my life a little too much but at least they are thoughtful enough to let me know they care.

Do they want to borrow money?? No.
Do they want to move in?? sometimes but not lately, my place is much too small.

So back to the "petty" things that have ruined this marriage.

Enter the word "depression". Depression is real. I have depression. So the situation is, Hubby is depressed, he stopped showering, shaving, and complains all the time. So I tell him,, your meds are not working you are depressed.

Ok now hubby is taking med, but the problem is, he is on military insurance. Ok fine. But here is the problem. According to him, you can't just make an appointment and go in. You have to call in and let "them" know your having problems. Then "they" call you back and tell you when you can come it.

This does not work for me. I had him on my insurance and all he did was complain about my insurance and how all the doctors that are not on military are wacked. ???? What the f____?
Ok.

So while I am at work, he sits on the computer. We have 6 freaking cars that are broken down in the driveway. By the way, we rent and my landlord is not happy. not a good thing.
My son would call me and tell me that hubby was not doing anything. Just sitting. He was not even surfing the net, he would sit in front of the computer doing nothing. No games, no surfing, nothing. It was like he had to protect the computer. No one could use the computer because he had this a-- planted in front of it.

So when things finally came to a head and I told him I wanted him out, he could not believe it. This happened right around the first of the month. So being a wise man, he pops up with " Well if I am not going to be living here, then I am not paying rent. "

I had to keep from laughing because as he is saying this, I am sitting with the rent money in my pocket. Ok no problem. So I told him rent was already taken care of and he could leave anytime. He was not prepared for that, he was stunned.

So it took him 4 days to pack his mail and his clothes into the van and leave.

So let me recap "petty"
No motivation
Lack of cleanliness
argumentive
Does not get along with my kids
hates the current living situation but won't do anything about it
guards the computer when no one is around

I could go on but why?
Hubby would be a great friend but that is it.

I really don't see us getting back together. My life has been so much more relaxed without him in it.

So then he hits me with,,, the doctor changed my meds,, I am much better now.

Ok, this has been going on for 2 yrs. I am tired, I am stressed. But you know what jackie,, it is time to move on.

I will not go back and live with him again. Why??? My kids, his attitude towards them. He has even said, he put too much on me when he should have just let things go.

He is right. He was the one bitching about being petty. Now he is the one who wants to let "petty" things go and work things out.

I tried to tell him in the nicest way, NO. I am done. I don't have time for this anymore.
I am tired of being the go between with him and my kids.
I am tired of the way he treats my kids.
For gods sake, I know my kids are grown and gone. They don't live at home. But you don't treat someone elses kids like they are a big problem in your life. First of all, they are my kids, they are my problem.

I have a hard enough time dealing with them that I don't need to have to listen to him bitch about them.

The other thing I am tired of ???? Well,, I am tired of the secrets he has. It seems that hubby has a checking account with another women who lives in Colorado. hmmmmm, ok,,, We live in OREGON. Who is this woman and why is he sharing his money with her?

This man has 5 checking accounts that I know of. ok,,, WHY????
With his retirement and pensions, and my income, and this is according to him,, we should have about $6000 a month to pay bills and buy food and such... So tell me then why are we always broke? How much money are you giving to this "other woman" and why?

I know he has a son in Colorado who is developmentaly disabled. I don't know if the money is to help him. BUT I do know what his son is in a "state funded facility" Hubby does not pay for it.

So I just don't get it.

All I know at this point is NO, we are not getting back together and NO all these things are no longer "petty". They are ISSUES.

Hubby,, we will not be able to work out our issues, petty or not, and we just need to part and go our seperate ways.

July 15th

Well,, I just recently split with my hubby.


I am surprised as to how relaxed the house has become. My son has emerged from his bedroom. We actually watch tv together, and spend time talking. It is rather nice.

I thought I might go back to my old ways of being single. I just seems like so much work. I even ran an ad on Craig's list. I explained exactly what I wanted, that I was not the most beautiful woman in the world. That I am 49 yrs old and gravity has not been nice to me.

My email was packed. I could not believe how many emails I had gotten. Now you know,, I did ask for NSA. So tell me,, when you go out to a bar or something, where are all these guys? So I have this theory. They are out there, but they are with wives, girl friends or domestic partners. So I guess I don't understand why they are looking.

Now I do realize there are people out there who don't know how to kiss. I mean really KISS. The kind of passionate, long, lingering type that makes you cream your pants. I have just recently kissed this guy who is in his 60's. Now you would think the guy would have had a lot of practice. WRONG. He was the worst kisser I have ever encountered in my life.

So you ask,, how do you know? Well it is no secret that I have been around. My sex drive is not normal for most women. I have kissed A LOT. So this guy, we will call him Edward, can't kiss at all. I had spit running down my chin because he is so bad. I was grossed out. It made me worry about the rest of the activities. Well let me tell you, he could tantalize. He teased, and some times tortured me by not giving me what I wanted the most. He would bring me to the edge and then back off not allowing me to "finish business". Of course we were in his car so that my have had alot to do with it. He said it was his way of making sure I came back for more. hummmm, no sweety,, it just flustrates the hell out of me.

So tonight I am supposed to hook up with a nice looking 36yr old. He is in a relationship. He wants me to call him "Daddy". He calls me Baby. I am cool with that. So Daddy wants hardcore sex. Passionate, lustful, meaningless, sweaty, long, sticky, incredible sex. OK,, now we are talking. This is good. He sent me a picture, hot,, he sent me a video,, even hotter. He as a nice tool, and his juices are thick, and there is a lot that emerges. His tool is thick as well.

All I can say is, I hope he is as good as he says he is. He lives a slight distance from where I live. We are supposed to meet half way. We are doing this in a car, not any car,, my car. But wait, it is supposed to be 90 degrees out there today. Crap, this had better be worth it.

I am also supposed to hook up with this hot black guy soon. He also sent me pics. He is a very dark black guy, not one of those that it is hard to tell that he is black. He has piercings in places that would make most men cry. So when that happens I will blog about it.

So I have not talked to Edward in days. Not that I don't want to, it is just that I am very busy. I do have a job. I do have a house, animals and such that need to be taken care of.

So this is enough for now. I have to get to work. I will blog later